11. Celebrating the happy moments in my friends’ lives like new jobs, pregnancies, weddings, moves, and personal successes.

10.  Being on TV for Simply Leap’s Hug Tour.

9.  Doing cool things like attending my first Redskins game, my first (two) Caps games, sitting on my first (two) panels, attending Renaissance Festival, seeing Wicked again, seeing Tony Bennett perform, attending TEDXMidAtlantic, learning how to make sushi, hosting CajunFest, attending an event at the White House, and standing next to Denzel Washington.

8.  Setting new personal records for a 10k race, twice.

7.  Celebrating the weddings of dear friends from college back in Ohio: Liz & Jeff, and Katie & Kevin.

6.  Hearing the news that my uncle was elected St. James Parish President. A proud day for our family.

5.  Running my first 10 mile race, the Cherry Blossom.

4.  Being serenaded by my new team at work and gifted with a grab bag of 11 gifts; celebrating 27 years with friends over the course of a weekend.

3.  Visiting my parents at their new home San Diego (three times by the end of this year) and enjoying awe-inspiring scenery and gorgeous weather each time.

2.  Starting a new job at the Case Foundation: I love my work, my team, and I love making a difference every day.

1.  Zip-lining, surfing, and waterfall rappelling in Costa Rica, while meeting some amazing people, some of whom have become wonderful friends.

But it’s not always about doing big favors for people, or even spending hours listening to someone’s troubles. I’m talking about some of the basic, human needs that we all share – the ones that aren’t really that unique after all. The other day, a friend shared with me and another friend that he’d heard that people crave 13 hugs a day. 13! we both said in amazement. Sounds like a lot. But is it really? I thought about how in the course of one day, there are many moments when I wouldn’t turn down a hug, and when I really could use a hug, but I don’t just walk around my office asking for them – societal norms tell us that’s not really “appropriate.” (Although, ask a few of my coworkers and they’ll tell you that I HAVE asked them out of the blue for a hug before.) So in addition to us all wanting a bunch of hugs throughout the day, what else do we all need? Here are some of my guesses:

• A smile
• A pat on the back/arm for comfort
• Kind or encouraging words
• Reminders that we’re appreciated/loved/needed
• Hearing from someone that hasn’t checked in for awhile
• Laughter
• Something that gives us the warm fuzzies
• To be heard

These things aren’t that hard, and they don’t require a lot of time. We do these things without thinking about them many days, but sometimes, they might feel burdensome to dole out if we are in a bad mood. But just think about this: if you’re having a bad day, you need all the things above, so someone else has to take care of you. In return, you do the same when someone else is down. And filling someone’s needs often leads to more personal happiness and translates to our own needs being met. Recall how happy you made a friend when you dropped off hot food when they were sick, or when you took on a coworker’s task to lighten their load. If they were grateful and showed it, it probably made you feel even better about yourself, too.

We all have basic, human needs that need a little help being fulfilled. Let’s see if we can all help each other take care of them, and ourselves.

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Follow my friend @simplyleap on twitter if you need inspiration through her #takecaretuesdays.

Sugarloaf Hike: thanks Kim for helping me cross of an item for my DC 5th year bucket list AND my 11/11/11 list!

So, it’s finally here: 11/11/11.  I’ve made it a pretty big deal – the birthday piece of course, but also my list of 11 things by 11/11/11. Many of you have been a part of this little two-month experiment, either by sending me recipes, receiving my letters, or taking me to new places. Thank you to each of you — what good is growth and attaining happiness if you can’t do it with others?

And now for the big question — did I actually achieve my 11 things by 11/11/11? Here are the results:

1.   Try 11 new recipes.
I can’t remember all of them, but I’m pretty sure I’ve made more than 11 new things, whether they were recipes or impromptu ingredient mashups. Favorites were an apple crumble and a chicken and tomato crock pot creation.

2.   Give a handwritten note to 11 people.
I believe the number is about eight.

3.   Run at least 11 miles each week.
Some weeks this happened, many I wasn’t even close. I’m running a 10k on Sunday, so I’m feeling back on track.

4.   Write 11 blog posts.
Eh…only banged out five.

5.   Do something nice for 11 people.
I didn’t really do a good job at keeping track of this – but I’d say it happened – all the little things add up.

6.   Do/visit/eat at/try 11 different places, restaurants, or things to do.
Absolutely happened. Can’t even remember them all, but they were all fantastic! Seeing my first TEDX, going to Churchkey, hiked Sugarloaf…and lots of other things.

7.   Reach out to 11 people not expecting to hear from me.
Didn’t do this that well, but did make a few phone calls that were great!

8.   Read 11 books.
Somehow, I thought I would fly through this, but not so much. I read four books. Two of them I read in a day each, the other two I let drag out.

9.   Meet 11 new people.
Hmmm…I suppose this could be true from various meetups and things. I couldn’t name them all, though.

10. Learn 11 new things.
If you count random wikipedia lookups and all the things I read for work on a daily basis, then most definitely yes. But I didn’t learn anything new that was tangible, like knitting or skateboarding. This is probably one of the biggest things I want to work on.

11. Be happy with who I am.

So all in all – it was a fair shot, but nowhere near “successful” if I go by the raw numbers. But the bigger picture here is that #11 seems like it is contingent on the other 10 things, but it isn’t that straightforward. There are so many factors that contribute to our happiness, but as Gretchen Rubin realized for her First Splendid Truth: To be happier, you have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

That means there are good days, and bad days. That some things make us really happy, and some only moderately so. There are things that should make us happy, but all we can do is think about the things that make us sad. But to get to happiness, you’re constantly growing, and working toward things that you choose for you. For me, it’s reading more books, and cooking as much as I can, because those things make me feel the most at peace, the most me. It’s avoiding things and people that make me unhappy – not always an easy task, but within our control for the most part.

On 11/11/11, at 27 years old, I know that today isn’t really the deadline for this list and more – it’s just the start of the journey.

Photo credit: CardCow.com

Okay, maybe I’m fudging that a little. It is Halloween after all, and I admit that things like haunted houses and haunted trails and movies like The Ring or It scare me a little (The Birds is for the birds though – that one makes me laugh). But other than ghosts and chainsaws and headless horsemen, there are bigger, uglier, much scarier things out there — things that aren’t just a mask or a sheet or a really realistic looking head gash.

Things like…

…worrying I’ll never fall in love again, or that someone will fall in love with me.

…wondering if I’ll end my days alone.

…second-guessing my friendships and relationships every which way.

…questioning what my career path is and fearing that I’m missing something every time.

Some of these scary things may be on your list, too. Or maybe you’re thinking they’re not that scary — that I’m just a scaredy-cat. But we all have our own ghosts and things that scare us. They appear in the form of nightmares, in the fear of failure, in the way we handle the stresses in our lives, in the faces of the people that know us to the core and that don’t know us at all. They are around every corner, lurking, waiting to jump out at us and make us lose our breath and put a hand to our hearts to stop the pounding. They wake us in the night, forcing the lights on and few moments of deep breaths to calm down. They creep up in conversations with our friends, lovers, family, and coworkers, and they chase us in our dreams and never-ending to-do lists.

The things that scare me come more than just once a year on Halloween…they are a constant presence. And try as I might, a mantra “I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts” doesn’t always do the trick.

But sometimes, the things that scare us make us stronger. They remind us to look our fears in the face and laugh back — to say, I will love and be loved, I will find my passion and follow it, I will share my life with others. And then as the sun rises on a new day, the ghosts recede into the shadows, afraid of me, afraid that I will banish them once and for all…and I will.

Photo credit: theconsigliori.com

All of our lives, we’re pushed to place ourselves in a character type, a box of sorts to describe who we are. We take tests and quizzes to figure out if we’re introverts or extroverts, left-brained or right-brained, skilled or adaptable, safe or risky … the list goes on. The problem is, rarely are we one or the other — we’re usually a little of both, or many.

For instance, I can be spontaneous and adventurous at times, like when I decided on a whim to go skydiving my freshman year of college with two friends, when I moved to DC with no job and only knew one person here, when I abandon my homebody plans and stay out late on a Monday. But I can also be very routine and safe, cautious about spending money, needing plans in advance, etc. I can be a social butterfly and meet up with five different people in a week, and spout my everyday doings on Facebook and Twitter, but I can also crave alone time and turn my phone on silent or screen my calls and turn down offers to hang out.

I can want to be alone, but feel deeply, devastatingly lonely. I can want to be madly in love, with someone madly in love with me, who wants to spend every minute and every memory with me, but I can also pull back if someone gets too persistent too fast, and I feel smothered and annoyed.

What’s that middle ground, that thin slice of balance? How do I get there?

A friend and I had a discussion about our romantic pasts and our dreams for the future. We’re both feeling the itch — to figure out where do we go next, to find who it will be with. We wondered what the universe was holding back from us and why — and more importantly, how can we stop ourselves from holding us back. Sometimes we don’t even realize it. Sometimes we’re not giving it a chance, because we’re so quick to cut and run before it gets tough. Sometimes we’re giving it too much of a chance, and letting the past and our memories take hold of us so strongly that we’re not able to be receptive of what’s out there for us.

So when you’re feeling like you’re all the way on the edge of one circle of your Venn diagram, how do you get back to the middle without flinging yourself all the way to the other circle’s edge? How do you keep moving forward with everyone else instead of feeling like you’re falling back at the slightest hiccup?

We don’t have to be one or the other, we can be both. We can be strong but weak. We can be vivacious but calm. We can be social but withdrawn. It’s that 30% or so that’s sometimes the hardest to achieve and maintain, but often, that place of center that we crave and thrive on. How do you get to the center of your Venn diagram?

Photo credit: trialx.com

It’s getting close to that time of year when we set our clocks back one hour, and for one night we lose a little more sleep than usual. It starts to get darker earlier in the day, and as the trees become more bare, and the skies more gray, it seems like maybe life has gone back a little, not just the clocks.

For me, my life seems to mimic the seasons: I feel rejuvenated and ready to tackle new challenges and opportunities in spring and summer, I vigorously clean out my apartment, and am more inclined to meet new people and try new things. And as fall is slowly rolling in, I’m retreating. In the literal sense of the word, fall is my favorite season, and always has been. I love the leaves, the comfort foods, the football, the hoodies and tights, and celebrating my birthday. But the real fall, the falling back, is what’s happening within me. I’m falling back into myself, away from everyone, away from everything. Like the dry leaves shuffling on the ground, I’m restless, waiting for the breeze to pull me in a new direction. Like the night that comes earlier, I’m feeling dark and cool, instead of bright and warm. I’m falling back.

It’s many things and it’s one thing, and I can’t decide. I’m wanting to leave this city and go somewhere completely new, but I love this city and want to stay. I’ve moved on from my ex, but I’m not when I find out he’s moved on…with someone else. I’m happy at work but wondering what I want to do when I grow up. I feel the love of a few close friends, but feel the loss of others.

Between now and winter is the harvest. A time to gather, to nourish, and to share. I may be falling back, but I will rise for occasion, and look for warmth in that glowing orange harvest moon.

Essentially, there are a lot of things that are not in our control (it basically boils down to Mother Nature and other people), but there are many, many things we can control — it’s just a matter of perspective. It’s funny to think about how similar situations cause us to act differently, and I’m not quite sure how to pinpoint the reason why.

Example: last week, I walked out of my apartment to a rainy, muggy day. I had a headache, and had overslept a little. I was annoyed that I hadn’t slept well, and that it was still warm for September. I got to work, in a mad mood before the day had even started, annoyed with everyone and everything. But today, I woke up fully rested, still high off a great 10k run and great fall food cooking from this weekend, and feeling good about Monday. I knew it was going to be a busy week, and knew it was chilly out, but I threw on my tights, skirt, and cardigan, and set out for work, listening to an NPR podcast on my phone and ready to see what the day would offer. I topped it off with a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks and settled into my day. Even though I left the office an hour or more later than usual, and I was feeling the to-do list creep, I still came home feeling good overall.

Why? I’m still not sure. But I do know that context has a lot to do with it (my good feelings from the weekend carried me over), and that I felt in control of myself and my attitude today.

It doesn’t mean that tomorrow I’ll wake up and feel chipper and solid throughout the day again, but it does mean that it is completely up to me to make it so — or not. There were one or two things on my mind today that were weighing me down, but I’m choosing to not let it control my overall my mood. In reading Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, I’m realizing that I’m not the only one that has to sometimes make a conscious effort to be positive, to not let the little things get to me. Sometimes, I just want to be mad. I want to be down, left alone, moody. My mind screams, THIS ANNOYS ME AND I’M JUST GOING TO BE THAT WAY. But then I remind myself that I can’t always do that — not at work, not out with friends, and not if I want people to hang out with me. So we all have those moments, those days, maybe even those weeks. Go away, we say to everyone. I’m in a mood, we tell ourselves, our coworkers, our friends.

And then we realize, in a moment of laughter, in an unexpected moment of silliness, of joy, that we’re really not mad at anyone after all. Raise your hand if you’ve tried to stay mad at someone and it’s impossible because you realize they’re just too awesome and you’re being too stubborn? (Me) It’s completely up to you. You can let the rain and the heat and the cold bother you, or you can put on a sweater, or pull out an umbrella. You can let people on Twitter saying dumb stuff annoy you, or you can temporarily unfollow them. You can sit around waiting for a guy to call you or care about you, or you can move on to someone who is available for you, right now. You can be pissed that you’re not losing weight or that you aren’t eating healthy enough, or you can get off your butt and make a concrete change that proves it’s worth your time and energy.

It’s completely up to you what you do, and how you react. So what’s your plan?

But realizing that the answer to that question is often yes for me is not quite as fun. If you’re already feeling bluesy about your body before you get to work, the answer is YES, you doubt yourself before you’ve even started. If you worry about messing up a project before you’ve even written out the plan, the answer is YES, you doubt yourself before you’ve started. If you hear news of a friend or cousin getting engaged and think, it will never be my turn, then YES, you doubt yourself before you’ve started.

Of course the “you” in this story is me. But maybe it is you, too. I want to wake up each day and feel motivated and inspired and happy with who I am, but a few days a week, I’m feeling the exact opposite. I’m annoyed with everything and everyone, I don’t trust that I’ll succeed, I don’t believe that I’m valued and needed as a coworker, a friend, a daughter. And I want to go to bed feeling motivated, inspired, and happy with who I am, too. I want to know and believe that I’m loved by many people, that I’ve got plenty of opportunity ahead, that life is full of so many surprises and challenges, just waiting for me.

If I don’t doubt myself before I’ve even started the day, life would be so much easier. Don’t you agree?

On The Biggest Loser, these contestants are trying to lose dozens, maybe hundreds of pounds. Some of them have been affected by tragedy or trauma. Some of them have lived a life of doubt, shooting themselves in the foot before they even allow themselves to have a dream, much less go after it. I watch these people, and I the trainers asking them why they doubt themselves, why they fear becoming someone accomplished and great and loved and healthy. I shake my head, I say, come on – get with the program! Get rid of all the crap floating around in your head and be a believer – be someone who believes in yourself.

I suppose that even though I’m not on a reality show trying to lose weight, I could do that, too. Could you?

(*Looks like The Biggest Loser is making an impact on the bodies and minds of more than just the contestants on the show, according to this NPR piece)

My 24th birthday

In two months, I will be 27. Not such a big milestone, but it will also be 11/11/11, which is pretty epic in the calendar world, so I’ll make the most of it on my end, too. I’m not sure yet how I will celebrate, or whom it will be with, but until then, I have some things I want to do, specifically, 11 things. Eleven things to expand my mind and my heart, to build onto this ideal of wellness I am trying to attain. Things that you can help with, too, if you so desire. Or you can make a list of your own – whatever the number may be.

Here are my 11 by 11/11/11:

1.   Try 11 new recipes.

2.   Give a handwritten note to 11 people.

3.   Run at least 11 miles each week.

4.   Write 11 blog posts.

5.   Do something nice for 11 people.

6.   Do/visit/eat at/try 11 different places, restaurants, or things to do.

7.   Reach out to 11 people not expecting to hear from me.

8.   Read 11 books.

9.   Meet 11 new people.

10. Learn 11 new things.

11. Be happy with who I am.

If you aren’t happy with how something is going, you can tweak it, improve it. If it’s something little, you make the change and then life goes on. If it’s something bigger, a true lifestyle adjustment, it will take longer. It takes 21 days to make a habit, and three months before it becomes a subconscious act. It can take years to readjust feelings about someone or something – and sometimes, it can seem like just a snap of the fingers to fall back into old habits, and old emotions.

What about when you’re a roadblock to change, and it affects other people? For instance, you know that you are terrible about keeping in touch with friends or family. “I never call people, I’m bad at responding to emails, or texts.” Okay, well that’s nice that you admitted it, but what are you going to do about it? Saying it out loud doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. The burden shouldn’t all fall to the people that are waiting to hear from you. Think about how your actions are affecting others. Maybe you can’t call every week, or respond to every email, but can you set aside half an hour each month to catch up with loved ones? Put it on your calendar if it helps.

What if you’re waiting on someone else to change? That person that never responds to your texts, that doesn’t seem to make the initiative, that seems to give lip service. Well, you have a few options. You can a) keep going on like normal, and accept that you will be making most of the effort, with little or no return, b) bring it up with the person and try to come up with something that works for the both of you, or c) if it’s negatively impacting you too much, remove that roadblock from your daily life. Sure, it may mean a lot of pain, but sometimes we have to do that. It’s like quitting smoking, or drinking, or throwing out sentimental items, but it can make us happier, healthier, and more sure of who we are.

While we’re sitting around for everyone else and everything around us to change, here are a few ways that YOU can change your outlook, and make change yourself:

• A thunderstorm ruins your outdoor picnic plans with friends –> bring all the fixings and have it inside. The point is the same: quality time with your pals.
• A colleague constantly has input on your projects –> listen to it, and incorporate what you think works, and thank them for their thoughts.
• Guy says he wants to meet up, randomly will reach out, but then is MIA when it’s time to make something happen. –> He’s just not that into you. Move on. It’s not worth playing games.
• A family member or friend is consistently obnoxious about a certain topic, says inappropriate things, or generally pisses you off. –> Ignore them. Remove them from your social networks if you can. Be civil when you see them, but don’t encourage the behavior, or respond to it. Don’t let it affect your attitude.
• A friend is in a situation in which you’ve given advice, but s/he refuses to acknowledge they are headed for a bad ending. –> You’ve done your part as a friend. Support them and let them live their life, or stay out of theirs.

What are some ways that you change your attitude to create change?